I feel as though change is coming -both for better and for worse. A part of me remembers that is completely relative to my emotions. I believe that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose, yet I grieve at the thought of my fears manifesting themselves as I feel they are about to.
I am about to go on Winter Break from school and will have over a month off of school. In some ways you could call me a mystic because I feel as though God is apportioning this time for me to be without one stressor so that I can take on another. The holidays are coming, but I fear them not. I fear loss above all things -the loss of those that I love. I fear that some that I love most dearly will destroy themselves in their own confusion with life. God help them, please.
I do my best not to ask things of God yet I find myself a contradiction -I pray that God will change me into the man that he desires me to be; I pray that He will test me -and that He will protect me also. I pray that He will change other people -how selfish! And worse, I expect Him to change me without any effort on my own at times -though not consciously until after the fact. I have sinned again and again against the my Lord and Savior, being ashamed of his commandments. I can feel the pain of sin deep within my heart -I fight the tears in every prayer, in every moment that I read the scriptures. I fight my tears when those around me, who I love, rationalize or act without thinking and sin against God, even just after prayer -and worse I wish to hide alone and scream after I join and partake in sin along with them. God help me, I beg You!
What I fear the most of all is my own superficiality. I weep about my sin and the sin of others, yet I often give up. Every day is a renewed struggle. I do not fight my sin in ways that "I wish that I did." Actions, inexcusably, cast a spotlight on our innermost desires and show not just the world but ourselves where our heart really lies. My heart lies with sin, the greatest of all adulteresses, for her way is to the pits of Sheol and her legs reach as pillars to its deepest depths. I am a sinner, guilty before the court and the Judge of life and death.
I hope that it is not I that shames the name of God, but sin which indwells me. But that is an empty hope and one that is without truth. God knows the heart and He knows that I am wicked waiting at every opportunity to strike against Him; the spirit and the flesh are at war and there will be no treaty -the battle will be fought to the death. One will be declared the victor by God Almighty in the Day of Judgment. I am a fool to think that I can win the battle against the flesh on my own -I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!
Winter is all but here. Nature dies before our eyes only to be reborn again. The air is growing colder and more chilling every day. Even still, God has given me comfort in His promises and in His Word. God has given me great and undeserved blessing that I piss away and actually believe as though it is mine, or anything for that matter. I have not earned nor deserve anything and it is only by the mercy of God that I have anything. My God, I have betrayed your blessings with my boasting in the flesh. The things of this world will pass away -again I will pray in futility! God give me the strength and the courage to store up riches in heaven, not on earth! Take away all fear from me, though I have nothing to fear with You as my God! Again I have hoped an empty hope: that God will change me with no effort on my own. It is MY choice to make. What an opportunity I have been given! I can simply choose Heaven over Hell! How great and simple a choice! God, I pray, have mercy on my pitiful soul.
My life is a sine wave. I rise and fall as the waves of the sea. Jesus is my rock, I need only to swim to Him and take hold for dear life eternal! Father in Heaven, I pray that others would do the same or else perish for all eternity! I can only fall in great fear and trembling of your judgment Lord. I do not understand your ways God but I trust in you and I take refuge in your commandments. Not once has sin done me well, in this world or in the one that is to come. Oh God! How I grieve and mourn over my sin and the pain of this world! Take me into Your arms and take me home with You in Eternity! If you are willing Lord, grant me your mercy, grace and love to an overflowing measure so that I can share it with others! Alas, I have sinned yet again, for the love of Christ and the Spirit of God indwells me this very moment! Every breath that I take is a sin.
My God and Savior, I am a cursed man for I crucify you with every breath and step that I take. Your love is too great for my understanding, too great for my gratitude.
God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
My God, I am not worthy. To You be the Power and the Glory forever and ever! Amen.
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